The Translation Gap

(What's one thing you wish neurotypical people understood about you?)

One thing I wish neurotypical people understood, and maybe other people more generally, is that I am always translating in my head. The way my mind works is simply not well represented by the way we normally talk to one another. It is as if my native language were actually German, or classical Greek, and every time I wanted to talk to someone, I had to translate my thoughts into into English. In other words, there is a gap between my thoughts, and what I say out loud.

This gap is both chronological and semantic. On the one hand, this just means that it takes me a moment to respond to a novel question, idea, or situation. People might not notice this about me because most questions and situations are not novel: they are things I have seen before or thought about before, so I have 'stock' responses ready to go. On the other hand, there is also a translation gap that is maybe more troublesome. What I say may not actually really represent my feelings or emotions. This is not because I am being insincere, or because I don't know my own mind. Its just because not everything I feel or experience can be easily or adequately expressed in English. I would say 'in language,' but maybe some other language would be a better medium for the way my brain works. I don't know.

I do know that there is certain cognitive load associated with the expression. I have to work to mold and press my experience into the words. Also, this work may be more or less successful. So in addition to the exhaustion that comes after, maybe, half an hour or an hour of ordinary human conversation, which is bad enough, there is also the risk that I have failed to adequately express my needs, preferences, perceptions, and so on. I may find that after having expressed something one way, what I have said isn't actually quite true. But now that I have said it, people expect me to be consistent. Hmm.